Sex Secrets and Relationship Tips from a Counsellor
Karen is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Counsellor and Tarot Reader and has had the pleasure of sitting in sacred space with many men, women and couples, seeking to find a way through complex issues, including sexual problems, and matters of the heart. Here is an off the cuff, verbal meandering of thoughts, lessons and tidbits on sex, relationships, and infidelity, gained through years of experience .
Karen speaks about why you should keep the kids out of your bed, and if you haven’t already heard about the fire breath orgasm, now you have. That, along with some coggles, could actually change your life, and your sex life in particular. Tune in here and gain some think food to chew on, and consider whether its worth pursuing this topic a little further yourself.
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Episode Transcript:
00:00.80
Karen Seinor
Hello, thank you so much for joining me again on the Soulful and Wild Podcast. It's just me today and I'm going to share with you some of the secrets I've learned about sex from working with clients. Today's topic is actually inspired by a client who said to me, and I was doing a tarot reading for this person, they said, I want to really listen to your podcast. And I laughed and I went,
00:28.77
Karen Seinor
well, I don't actually talk about this sort of thing on the podcast. And they said to me, you should. So that's why I'm going to talk about sex with you today. So some of the things that I've learned about sex over the years of working with clients, whether I'm reading tarot cards, doing hypnotherapy sessions, or doing counselling for individuals or couples, these are some of the things that have come up. One,
00:58.53
Karen Seinor
If there's ever any issues around sex, you can slide by when you're just a couple. The longer that relationship goes on, the more chance there is that it'll pop up and need to get looked at. And if you procreate and have children, you change the dynamic and go from couple to family, and that adds additional pressure to the whole sex story in your relationship, because obviously there's less time and there there's less attention and energy to go around for both parties in the relationship. So number one, get your sex stuff sorted. So what does that mean? You know, if you're at the place where you're actually looking for a partner,
01:44.16
Karen Seinor
you want to choose somebody that ticks the box for you, that sparks or lights your fire. They need to be somebody that you can really spend time with. Just being a hottie is not going to stay the distance, because everybody gets old and everything goes south. That's a reality, right? And fortunes can go up and down and change around. so The person, as an integral being, needs to be a match for you from a values perspective. you know, like Do they have work ethics like you? What's their political ideation? What's their religious position? All those sorts of things can really matter in a long-term committed relationship.
02:32.88
Karen Seinor
And you know sex drive is important. If you are a person who has a very high sex drive and you partner with someone who has a low or non-existent sex drive, there's going to be a challenge because somebody in that relationship, and probably both people, are going to have to be compromising and participating in you know sexual intimacy when they don't necessarily want to. And if you don't want to, that energy comes across loud and clear. And that's a real bummer for people.
03:09.57
Karen Seinor
So you need to be matched. And that person needs to not just be your best friend. They need to be somebody who can light your fire as well. Friends are friends. And ideally, in a perfect world, we are going to have our fire lit and be in alignment on all levels with our partner. But this is planet Earth, and life isn't always like that, right? So if you can be matched, if you are not equally yoked in terms of your sexual preferences and your desire or need for sex, then be prepared to compromise and sort that stuff out. Make it clear. And don't go back on your word. You know, it's important. There is nothing worse than bad sex. Genuinely, everybody knows that. Any sex is not enough. It needs to be good or don't bother, right?
04:08.00
Karen Seinor
Begrudging sex is really offensive to people. They feel it. You know, you're not going to partner with someone who's a Gronk and actually isn't switched on and know where you're at. So that's the thing. Sex is important Like money's important. Like your values are important. if you match with somebody who has very conservative tastes in terms of their sexual behaviour and you are a swinger and you like to change sides, there's going to be issues. So really work that stuff out. You know, it becomes really problematic when you've made a really big commitment. If you've married somebody, bought homes and things like that, and that stuff is coming up. It can be very heartbreaking for people. So work those things out in the beginning. yeah Have the conversations and sort it out. Sometimes it's much easier and better for everybody involved, if you cut the cord at the beginning, sounds crazy, doesn't it? But you know these are secrets that I have learned from listening to people who are living these challenges.
05:32.84
Karen Seinor
One of the things that I see as people get older, and as their children become more independent, what happens is there is an opportunity for couples to come back together, to reinvent their relationships because, you know, you start off and it's all wonderful, we're all in love, and then all those things happen and they are spaced. You know, there's
06:03.42
Karen Seinor
focus on the career and our health and getting our money stuff sorted. When a come couple becomes a family, the focus starts to shift from your partner to the group. Now, I'm just going to speak to the women here for a moment, all those that hold the feminine energy. Actually, for simplicity's sake, I'm just going to talk about men and women.
06:29.47
Karen Seinor
And if you are a woman who loves women and if you're a man who loves men, you sort that out in your own mind. Otherwise it gets too complicated for me to have the conversation. I am so basic and I need to keep it simple for myself. So please forgive me. No slights intended here. It's just about keeping it real and easy for me. So if you are a woman,there is something that happens to you when you have a baby, and it is a biological thing. It happens to you. Previously, your partner has been number one on your list. Well hopefully you're number one and and they are number two, and then there's the dog or the - whatever pet you happen to have. But once you have a baby, just as a matter of continuity for the species, that baby becomes number one. There's nothing that you can really do about that and it just takes you over. You know, this is in a normal, healthy, happy situation. This is what occurs. So the man of your dreams who has been, the focus of your life, and who you've made special meals for, and maybe you've run baths for him and rubbed his back and, gone for evening walks with, he now becomes, instead of number one, he drops to number two. Occasionally, if you're a real animal freak and a bit naughty, maybe he's dropped below the dog. Hopefully that's not the case but that is a big deal because your partner is going to know that he's no longer the absolute centre of your universe and that is very difficult to make an adjustment like that. As a woman, you need to actually take care of business. Now, if you've just had a baby, all sorts of things are going on with your body, your hormones, you're tired, and the desire, the energy to be intimate with your partner in a loving, nurturing, really equal way is potentially non-existent for a period of time, and is going to be diminished for a lengthier period of time, generally speaking.
09:02.09
Karen Seinor
Now that's gonna hurt because, for your partner, not only do they know, because they can feel it, whether it's ever spoken about or not, and it really should be spoken about, so that these guys can prepare for this. Not only has he dropped to number two, but now he's got to vie for your attention and your time because it's sparse.
09:28.29
Karen Seinor
And realistically, men tend to need physical connection. And I'm talking about intimate connection to feel connected. yep They need sex. Intimate connection to feel that sense of solidarity with with their partner, with their woman. And women, of course,
09:53.95
Karen Seinor
are quite the opposite. I wonder sometimes whether whoever's running the show up there is having a good giggle about this and just throwing little bombs into this whole environment of masculine and feminine energy in relationships. Are there wagers going on out there in the universe where they're betting on people's capacity to dip and weave, and move through all of these challenges? I don't know.
10:22.82
Karen Seinor
If there are, there's probably a bottle of red wine involved in that. It's ah it's a big bit of a big deal because for women, women need to have that emotional support and connection before they are able to get into that physical intimate, you know, to be really open for it. They need to feel that their man is there for them, sees them and is emotionally present. so We've got these two completely different needs. And how is that even possible to match? Now, under normal circumstances, that requires a little bit of manoeuvering. But when you throw new babies and larger families and external things like career responsibilities into it, it can be a bit of a challenge.
11:22.50
Karen Seinor
So one thing to remember wherever you are in your life cycle, whether it's new babies, teenagers, or you're a mature couple with no children because you chose not to, things change. Nothing stays the same. For those of you who have children, wherever you are on that scale, those kids are going to leave one day.
11:50.22
Karen Seinor
So think about that when you are not making time for your partner. One day those kids are going to leave because your job is actually to get them ready for life, enjoy all the joys, get through the heartaches of raising kids and as they go off into the world, and you've done the job, you get to look at your partner and go Okay, we made it this far, what next? Well, really, I guess what I'm saying is, plan for what's next. Don't lose sight of this connection that you have with your beloved, you know? Even when you're knee-deep in nappies or you've got, kids that you're both running around for sport or whether you are a full-on career person and you're flying here, there, and everywhere, and you're under the pressure of
12:43.23
Karen Seinor
running teams and stuff, you need to actually schedule things like the old-fashioned date night. How many times have you actually seen couples somewhere and they're on their blooming telephones, they're on their phones and they're sitting at the table and they're doing this, they are not talking to each other. It happens a lot, have a look. It is true that when you've been with someone for a period of time, you have shared a lot of your story with those people. And they shared a lot of their stories with you. Maybe you've heard all of their stories. Maybe you could tell their stories for them. But you need to keep it alive. You need to keep things
alive enough that you can converse about current affairs or what they're interested in, what your latest is. It's up to you to actually keep your relationship happening and keep that connection going. Because as time goes on, you want that relationship to remain fresh. If you're in a long-term relationship, it is possible. Because have a look around, there are a few.
14:07.84
Karen Seinor
where the couple has shared values and a shared interest. I have a friend whose husband is mad into guns and when I first met her she was not into that sort of stuff at all, not at all, but as part of her commitment to her partner she entered into some of his interests and she got a gun license and she took up shooting and she's actually darn good at it. But she did that so that she had something to share with him, a shared interest, because she understood the importance of that. And they're very different individuals, but it's so wonderful when you see couples who actually do make the effort to enter into
15:04.55
Karen Seinor
a shared interest, even if it's not automatically there. And for many people it is, sometimes that's how you actually meet the person that you end up falling in love and building a life with through a shared interest. But if you don't, you need to have something in common with them apart from offspring because they do pack up and bug out. The kids are going to leave. So have a life and make sure that you maintain that life through that journey, through those years of raising those kids or you're going to be in strife. And that's where a lot of relationships get into trouble because you can cover things. You can cover the shortcomings in your private relationship, you know, your intimate relationship. You can fill it up with busyness and cover over the challenges because of the children.
16:02.23
Karen Seinor
But when that noise isn't in the household and there's just the two of you, you really want that to be right. Okay, so think about it, plan for it, make it part of your regular thing. One of my clients spoke to me once about - and I actually later watched a program on Netflix because I'd mentioned it. I went and got myself all organised and learnt all about it. You know, one must stay up on all these things. Sex rooms. Now, if you've got young kids who sleep in your bed, no, not a great plan. Get them out of your bed as soon as you can, because that is your place. That is your place where you rest. Bedrooms are for making out and resting.
17:05.38
Karen Seinor
So Try and keep the kids out of the bedroom. If that's not possible, then you need to have a space. Make a space. Is there a spare bedroom in your household, or is there a place that you can go that is just for you?
17:25.68
Karen Seinor
So some, you might want to look at this Netflix program. I forget what it's called now. I'll see if I can find it for you. It's all these renovations where people have created sex rooms, just where they go and hang out with their partner and have sex. It's like outside of their normal house and they go there together and that's what they do. So that's one thing that's not going to be viable for everybody, but, another thing to think about is this, is your bedroom a trashy mess where you would not feel like you want to get connected with someone? You know, for women especially, having a beautiful space, and I am generalising here of course, but having a beautiful space that's calm, or a place that makes them feel sexy and beautiful, that's important. So perhaps When you are listening to this little chat or when you're finished, walk into your bedroom, just stand at the door and have a look at it. Is this a place? Is this my boudoir? Is this a place where I can recline, where I can rest deeply? Is this where my Venus, where my Zeus aspect can come out? Think about the lover's tarot card. Have I created an environment where I can really come and connect with my person. It might be worth having a little look. If you've got your laptop in there, if you've got bank statements piled up, or work from the office, get it out. That's not where it needs to go. It needs to go in your briefcase, or your home office, or whatever it is you've got, yeah? So, having a date night, regularly.
19:22.75
Karen Seinor
Planned, scheduled, do that if you need to. Make it interesting, have shared things, a shared interest so that you've got things to talk about with each other, create some rituals. This is one of the things that I've heard from clients that when they've instigated this, it has helped them.
One couple made a pact. You know, if you work together, that can be tricky because you don't want to do shop talk at home after work. That's such a relationship killer because you can get into business conversations and have tussles, you know, at eight and nine o'clock at night, especially if you've had a wine, not a plan.
20:16.82
Karen Seinor
There have to be some boundaries, some safe space just for the relationship, right? We know that. Yeah, so they had a deal. they would have a um They would go and have a drink. They did have an alcoholic beverage, but if you're not an alcohol drinker, you can actually have a sparkling water, whatever, cup of tea. And they used to go and sit by their swimming pool.
20:45.05
Karen Seinor
and talk about their day for half an hour, half an hour, and after that half an hour, there was no more shop talk. Now you could do that whether you're working a business together and finish up any things and then shut that down or even if you work in completely different environments or one of you is a stay-at-home parent and the other is out in the world. You can still come together for that half hour and debrief. Talk about your day, listen to your partner's day, and then at the end of that half hour, you go and then do the meal and do the stuff that you do. Setting up rituals like that can be really, really lovely. If your lifestyle allows you to do it, an early morning walk or an evening walk or even doing the dishes together, you know I've had guys,
21:42.52
Karen Seinor
male clients talk to me about, "if I don't do the dishes with her, I don't get any". And it's a funny thing. I mean, we can joke about stuff like this, but a simple thing, like putting your hand on your partner's back and saying, "Hey, can I give you a hand with that?" Or just getting in there and doing some things. You've also got to look at yourself. you know What your strengths and weaknesses are. How do you show up?
22:10.85
Karen Seinor
Are you the special person in the relationship where you get all the care? Or are you the constant giver? Sometimes in relationship work, and this is essential to get the sex on track if it's not there, there has to be an evening up where each party gets to be the special one, gets special treatment at times. It can't always be one way. There's got to be an evening up, or people have got to each take a turn.
22:40.50
Karen Seinor
And that's true outside of the bedroom just as much as it is inside the bedroom. If your partner likes you to go down on them and it's not your favourite thing, but you like something else, and they do that for you, you kind of need to suck it up and actually,
23:01.95
Karen Seinor
um pardon the pun, but you do actually need to consider being generous and gifting pleasure. you know Give and take, my friends, give and take. It's those partners that do that, that are generous in the bedroom, are always rewarded. Don't just be a taker, don't just be a giver. The two of you need to, and have the conversations. If it's not like that, sort it out.
23:39.86
Karen Seinor
There's also, well, one of the one of the big things that comes up with sex is about infidelity. When infidelity happens in a relationship, that can be the death knell. Because when that comes out, the break of trust is so significant. And it doesn't really matter whether it's the man that is unfaithful or the woman. It's kind of irrelevant. Because when there's a commitment made
24:11.44
Karen Seinor
that we're going to be faithful to each other that we are just for each other in this area of our lives then you know when you break that promise that means a lot to the person and after the initial hurt, because I get to talk to people after they've dealt with that initial sort of trauma of discovering that their partner's been unfaithful, the anger And the bitterness can be overwhelming. Some people stay in that for a long time. And one of the things that I've seen happen is the wronged party can make the partner who was unfaithful well... punish them. Punish them, be cruel to them, constantly pointing it out, making them reshare information,
25:10.52
Karen Seinor
It is so unhelpful. So if you have sadly been one of those people where their partner has been unfaithful, I would say to you, make a decision. Make a decision. Get real about this. Did you have some part to play in this? Because it takes two to tango. This is a fact. It takes two to tango.
25:38.03
Karen Seinor
And it takes two people to make a relationship work, to keep it interesting and exciting. Unless your partner has a sex addiction, then you know you're gonna be part of that breakage of trust. To some degree, you're in there too. So identify that, not to beat yourself up about it, but to recognise it for yourself and then make a choice. Is this relationship worth saving? Is it worth working for? And I think both of you need to make that very conscious choice. And seriously, write a list, the pros and the cons. And if it's not worth fighting for, then get out. I would say that. If it's genuinely not worth fighting for, if the relationship, the life that you've built, the life that you've dreamt of, is not worth doing some work for, then close it down. Because if you don't make the decision to work for it, then there's a tendency that you're going to keep punishing and making your partner suffer for their sin. And that that is cruel and wrong. It's very cheeky of me to say it out loud like that, but I genuinely
27:05.26
Karen Seinor
have seen so much pain and suffering and the person who has been wronged as well as the wrongdoer both end up in this awful vortex of pain that can go on for a long time and unless you make the choice to actually genuinely do what's necessary to move through and rebuild trust, and you both need to do that, then you will lengthen the period of suffering and eventually it will break down. It takes a lot of courage, and a great deal of commitment to rebuild a trust that's been broken, and you both need to be on board for that. So if you are the person who has cheated on your partner, and you choose to to disclose that to them, or if you've been found out, you too need to make your choices and and be prepared to do the work and be prepared to deal with the, the shell shock that they go through and the pain and the the tears and the sadness, because if they don't love you, they're not going to care. But if they do love you, there's going to be some pain there and you've got to a be grown-up person and and deal with that. yeah like it's messy, but it's the warriors of you that are actually going to go. "Okay let's do this", and you've got to hang tight, you gotta hang tight together and make that commitment, and it can be done> It genuinely can be done> Some couples come back stronger, better, and more committed to their relationship, and to their to their dreams after a challenge like that.
29:00.91
Karen Seinor
And those people are unbelievably fantastic. They grow through that. They become more than what they were before. So you know, hopefully this has never happened to you, and you don't know anyone that that's happened to. It's a big thing, and it requires a great deal of love.
29:25.09
Karen Seinor
Now On the matter of love, there's this great guy, I've ah' done a fair bit of training with him, David Deida, D-E-I-D-A, and I often mention him to my clients because he does have quite a few resources on his website, and he runs programs where he works with couples live, or he was when I was following him and and a student of his for a period of time.
29:52.85
Karen Seinor
And he does get into some fairly risque stuff, but there are some really fantastic things that I've learned from attending his trainings and listening to him work with clients live. He's in in the US and kind of getting to that retirement sort of age, but has heaps of stuff out there. You can subscribe on a monthly basis. I think. I'm pretty sure it's still up there.
30:21.01
Karen Seinor
He talks about third stage love as opposed to transactional love. You know, you do this for me and I'll do that for you. In the bedroom, there is nothing worse. I will do this for you, but you've got to do that for me. Bloody awful. Who wants to connect on those terms? That's very transactional. That's not a place where genuine loving, committed, intimate, deep sex can happen. You know, that kind of spiritual sex where sex transcends the physical and there's that real coming together of two souls. It doesn't happen when there's transactional love going on. Third stage love. That's what he talks about.
31:16.46
Karen Seinor
You are a whole person in yourself. And as that whole person, you connect with the other. And you give from your heart. You give from that place of love. Now, in this kind of space, in this kind of relationship where that is going on, I think that's what we're all aspiring to, yes.
31:39.23
Karen Seinor
and
31:42.63
Karen Seinor
when that happens during sex is that you are present with each other. Now I've heard over the years so many situations where the woman can't orgasm or she doesn't lose it, you know, the way he wants her to. And I've heard men say the same thing. Women talk about their men, where, he can't come. He never comes. I can't make him come. What happens there, is an interesting thing. And I've heard David Deida say this, and it really resonated with me because it just dropped in And I went, oh, yes, that is it. That's the magic sauce right there.
32:32.74
Karen Seinor
32:35.43
Karen Seinor
He says, and the first time I heard it was in the context of a woman who was not able to really let go. And through the interplay with David speaking to the couple, it became clear that at a certain point in the proceedings,
33:00.00
Karen Seinor
the man kind of got lost in his own sexual pleasure and he lost contact with his love partner. So she felt emotionally, that she'd been abandoned because he wasn't there with her. He wasn't emotionally holding her. He wasn't seeing her. He wasn't looking at her. He got lost in his own stuff. Now for a woman and in some cases for a man also, they need the safety of knowing that you are totally present. That if they shatter completely, you, and I'm speaking to you men, are gonna be there to hold her, to catch her. She's not gonna get lost. Yep. That she's being witnessed. Yes? Now, in a perfect world, there would be times when the man would do that also. But if the issue is that the woman, for the purpose of the conversation, is the one that can't let go fully and really have that full body orgasm and completely surrender and become the you know shivering mess afterwards, then
34:25.39
Karen Seinor
That is in the hands of her partner to create a safe place, a place without pressure, a place where she knows that she's going to be held. So it's about eye contact. It's about the energy. It's trust. All right. She's got to be able to trust that you're going to be there for her when she loses it. And that can be amazing. Some people are afraid to lose control. They are afraid to lose control It's about power. But seriously, is there really an issue of power when there's really good, deep committed sex? I don't think so. Because in one way, the man in the context of this part of the conversation has the power to give this incredible pleasure. Does he hold the power?
35:25.26
Karen Seinor
Or does she hold the power when she disintegrates into this incredible mass of full body pleasure? Is she not the container of true power? And he then witnesses that. There's something that really happens to a man when he sees his power to give pleasure to his partner. And likewise,
35:56.90
Karen Seinor
there's a level of trust that has to happen. And if you can play in this space with each other, then the trust can build, the relationship can deepen. And that trust can transfer into other places in your relationship as well. But of course, we're talking about sex here. Okay.
36:25.64
Karen Seinor
So I just want to touch on one more thing. This has been a bit of a meandering conversation, just some ideas, some things that I've learned along the way from my clients and so on. The other thing is about fire breath orgasms. Fire breath orgasms, very interesting things. Now this is for the women who are listening. Now everybody knows about sex toys.
36:54.05
Karen Seinor
but they're things that can be found by children. And they're not everybody's cup of tea either. One of the things that I've heard from some of my male clients is that they wish that their partner would be more tuned in, more open to sex on a whim. And people tend to understand that You know, women need to be thinking about it more for it to be more present in their life because they tend to get busy spinning a lot of plates and so on. And it seems to be not as high on the list of things to do, right? Okay, so, firebreath orgasms, and you can Google this, I'm sure there's something on the internet, but
37:47.55
Karen Seinor somewhere in my realms of paper, I've got the directions for this fire breath orgasm process. And it is mostly for women. But what it is, it's about using the breath and you breathing down through the central meridian and using your breath to actually shift the Kundalini, that fire energy that's at the base of the spine. So this is very much about working with your spiritual force and in the process you create ecstatic orgasm. Now it's a practice that you would need to literally practice to get really good at and it takes time so you have to schedule time, but if you are a person who has issues about letting go or
38:41.59
Karen Seinor
wants to be more embodied in their sexual life, this is something that you can do, fire breath orgasms, no hands required, just the breath and the movement of your life force energy through your physical body and it's fantastic stuff, it can be very life-changing, you know doing coggles, you know with those muscles,
39:06.08
Karen Seinor
Pretty good stuff. So that's something that you can look into. The other thing I just want to touch on is tantric sex. Now, in our Western culture, there seems to be this belief, particularly with men for some reason. It always seems to be terribly shocking when I chat with my male clients about this. And that is that ejaculation is not orgasm. What? Yes, it is. Well, no, it's not.
39:35.70
Karen Seinor
They are not the same thing. So they can happen at the same time. They can be so close that you wouldn't even notice that they were different, but they are different. So in the practice of tantric sex, what fundamentally happens is that the man does not ejaculate his sperm, but he can still have an orgasm, right? Now, what this means, because we all know that,
40:05.67
Karen Seinor
Once a man ejaculates, he rolls over and goes to sleep. Now, after sex, very quickly, a woman who has received the essence of the man is energized. So often, she has the energy to be intimate again because all her nerve endings are alive because he's done a great job. But if he has ejaculated and his sperm has left his body, all this life force, gone, right?
40:33.55
Karen Seinor
And there's a physical depletion, and that's why a lot of guys go to sleep. But with tantric sex, when he learns to hold and not actually ejaculate, he holds his energy. She still has that deep pleasure, and she will guess him, and have her own ejaculation, which is fine, because she's energized. yep And what that means is that there can be more regular sex.
41:02.14
Karen Seinor
and it will actually keep a woman more interested in sex. Interesting stuff to look at. I would really encourage you to go down the road of looking at tantric sex and and whether or not that might have a place for you in your intimate connections with your beloved because it can be a lot of fun, but it's a skill that you've got to learn to do. you've got to actually take control of your own energy and that is a practice. And it is a spiritual practice. Sex is not, I'm just going to be crass here for a moment, excuse me, it's not just, animals out there humping. Really good connected sex, in a relationship, intimate connection,
41:53.62
Karen Seinor
it is a sacred act, and there's a possibility for spiritual advancement through that when you are doing it right. Let's do it right. That's what keeps people happy and balanced, their energy alive, and sex is incredibly grounding for people, absolutely. You know when somebody falls in love, you know when sex is happening in a relationship and it's really good. It's so easy to see, those people have this little glow about them and it's something extra special. So that's probably all I've got for you today. This is just an off the cuff conversation,
42:46.80
Karen Seinor
some secrets that I've been sharing with you and Make of them what you will. Explore some of these things for yourself and see what you think. And thank you so much for spending time with me. I trust that you energise yourself in a positive way. Take care now. Bye.
